If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
