my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
