90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
