I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
