I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Randomize
