I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
