You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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