God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
