just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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