just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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