I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
