Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
