I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
