apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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