my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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