Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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