You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
