You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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