She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
