when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
