Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
