i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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