you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Terrible idea I love it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
