k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
