I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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