I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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