Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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