FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
