i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
