My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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