I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
