Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
