a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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