So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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