Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
