i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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