Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
