You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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