boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
