Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
