If that was your dad, he is hot
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
