i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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