Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
