I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
