my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
