i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
