And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
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There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
His nipple licking is glorious
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