I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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