I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
