worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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