Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
