The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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