i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
