I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
