His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
